Gordon Lightfoot, A Minor Ballad
Is it the weekend yet? Please?
Another long queasy day for Nea.
Puttered around reading email for too long this morning, so I had to skip breakfast. Yippee. I made tea though. I always make tea these days. Tea and ginger beer are what keeps my stomach under any degree of control. I hate stress.
In CS, I put my head down on the desk for about 10 minutes. Then I raised my head again right as he was going down the line and the person next to me was answering. Great. So I had to pull an answer out of my ass with only a vague grasp of what we were discussing. I managed, I'm good at stuff like that, but still...it's especially hard in a CS class, because, especially when we're doing math stuff like we were today, there is most likely only one right answer. It's not like some classes where you can just go on a long babble about how something made you feel. If you're multiplying numbers in binary using shifting, then the next number is either a 1 or a 0 and no amount of rambling stories of how you feel about it can mask whether or not you know which it is supposed to be. But like I said, I did ok anyway.
Then I went to try to make up a comm midterm. I just couldn't do it. I swear, I have a decent grasp of the overall concepts, and I would have been fine if it had been open book or even if he's just asked me to talk about this stuff off the cuff, but I just could not make heads or tails of half of the questions. All the terms I'd ever known went flying out of my head. I was so stressed that my vision started blurring and I broke my mechanical pencil (a very cheap one, fortunantly). So I quit. I flung the test across the room, yelled "Merry Fucking Christmas!" for reasons that seemed good at the time, and was generally not a good little test-taker. Dale came over and talked to me (I was making up the test in the Student Development Center so as to not inconveince the prof) and we decided I'd drop the class and that I should go talk to Bonnie (my counselor). So I did. I felt much calmer after that, and I called the prof to let him know that I was withdrawing, but he said that he didn't think I should, even though I also don't have the paper due tomorrow done either. He said we'll work something out. So I guess I'll stick with it. The subject matter isn't hard, I'm just such a bundle of stress right now that I can't really study constructivly.
Anyway, then I went shopping to buy stuff for the hall potluck tomorrow. I'm making a shrimp, beef, zucchini and onion stir fry. Yum. People on my floor seem to be pretty receptive to that idea, so I hope I won't end up with too many leftovers. I probably bought too much food though. I tend to do that. And I have to clean and peel a pound of shrimp during the day tomorrow somehow. Yee hah.
Anyway, then I went home and talked to my mother for a while. Came back and bugged people in the lounge for a bit, then got online to talk to Sean. Poor sweeting. School is really stressing him out. I want to drop everything and run up there to comfort him. But I can't. I hate that. I can't even go up and fuss at him this weekend, because I have choir performances Saturday night and Sunday morning, and Gil will very kill me if I don't show up. The Saturday performance is for a wealthy person who gives a lot of money to the school, and we're trying to convince him to give us money to build a new concert hall. It has been repeatedly impressed upon us that this is a very important event, and I doubt Gil would take kindly to the idea of me blowing it off to go fuss at Sean. *sigh*. I just want to go give him (Sean, not Gil!) a big hug and tell him that everything will be ok. I care about him and think about him all the time, and it's hard for me to know that he's unhappy. I worry about the poor sweeting and I want to help him somehow. But I'm not even entirely sure he wants me to care. I try to tone down the intensity, because I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I know what he mostly needs now from me is a friend and a soothing voice, so I'll try to be that. *sigh*.
And I need to get some sleep. I very need to get some sleep.
Captain Squanky signing off